boeshane_boy

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Ω 05

[Private to Angelica Sexby]

We haven't met, ma'am, but I promised Armand I'd ask if he could borrow some of your clothes, while this flood continues. He's uncomfortable, and I think getting him in clothes that fit will help him relax.

[Private to 11-12]

Hey. I hear you're in the infirmary. How you holding up?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That you think being gay is just about the worst thing in the world to be. [No point tip toeing around it.] Do you think that?

[He winced and looked away as if he was ashamed.]

It would be much better - much easier - if I was normal.

[Jack reached up, catching 11-12's chin and turning his head back.]

You are normal. There's nothing wrong with liking men.

[11-12 looked at him but flinched and looked very uneasy.]

People have told me that here and it does feel good when I'm with another man but it... never works out. They treat me horribly afterwards. One told me that I sickened him by what we did.

And back home... I had to kill my lover. We couldn't be together. It wasn't considered to be right or normal and I had to do it.

[There were tears in his eyes and he was trembling now.]

[Jesus. Jack could feel his throat get tighter, and he shifted his hand to cup 11-12's cheek.]

I'm sorry. Some people handle those experiences very badly; it's not fair that you had to share those experiences with them. But just because one man acts like an asshole is no reason to think it's your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

[Except for the murder, but who was he to talk?] Don't let anyone tell you you aren't normal.

They said even if they did like men that I was... they just just said some awful things about me. Am I that repulsive?

[Jack shook his head.] You're not repulsive at all, kiddo. Don't ever let anyone else make you feel like that.

I should just try to avoid people altogether.

[Jack ran his thumb across 11-12's cheek before pulling his hand away, leaning his arm lightly on the bed.] Can't have you doing that. Then you'd be punishing teh rest of us. That's just not fair.

Maybe I can talk to just a few people. Girls. Like Martha and Uhura. It's safer that way.

[He was partly glad that Jack was currently looking like a girl or it would have made him feel more uncomfortable in his present mood. He was feeling that going near any man was just going to hurt him somehow, even if they weren't involved.]

[His voice was very sad as he continued.]

I wish I could stop those kind of feelings. About men. I know you and some others say it's okay but... it hurts too much.

[Really, this was the first time he'd had his heart broken, which just made everything feel worse. He had been so sheltered back in the Village and he wasn't always sure how to deal with these new experiences.]

[Jack let out a quiet sigh and leaned back in his cheer, tapping his mouth with one finger. This was a lot harder than he'd ever thought it would be.]

I like men and women, [he confessed abruptly.] And I've been to a lot of different time periods. There wasn't a lot of tolerance for homosexuality in the nineteenth century, you know. I've been harassed about it. People have tried to make me hate what I am, or see the error of my ways.

[And really, they have no idea what they're doing. No one can make Jack hate himself like...himself.]

Feeling that way is telling them they're right. And you know what? Falling in love with women can hurt just as much. [God, when did he decide it was a good idea to talk about love?] When you get lose - [he paused, turning his head to cough, and he'd deny his voice hitching there] - someone, man or woman, it hurts.

[He reached out, taking 11-12's hand and squeezing lightly.] Besides, if you only talk to women after this, I'll be disappointed.

[He was listening but it was taking a little while to sink in. It's not that he was dumb but he was very naive, even if he had been learning some hard truths on the Barge. After all, he had only lived in his mother's mind before this. What more protective place could there be?]

[He answered at last to Jack's final words.]

Why would you be disappointed?

[He smiled a little crookedly, patting 11-12's hand.] Because eventually, I'll be back to being a man, and you won't talk to me. I like when my friends talk to me.

You want to be friends with me? I've been told I'm spineless and simpering and overemotional and a coward. You don't want to be friends with me.

[Jack shrugged, leaning back in his chair again.] I'm a coward too.

You are? I didn't think I was a coward... but maybe I am for not wanting to confront everything at once.

I don't think that makes you a coward.

I thought I was doing really well too. I want to get better. Really. [He sounded in earnest.]

[Jack hesitated, rubbing his jaw lightly.] Get better from what, exactly?

I want to graduate and be well. I found out my mother was really alive and I was feeling good about that and things weren't too bad here but then I started thinking about 909 again. I'd been avoiding thinking about him before...

Was 909 your lover? [And very suddenly, he didn't want to be here.]

Yes. I miss him so much. I miss... how he just used to hold me.

Does it help that I'm sorry for what I did to him? Because I am. I'm really sorry. I never wanted to hurt him.

[Jack swallowed and ran a hand over his jaw and mouth, looking away for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was a little high, even for this body.]

Yeah, 11-12. It helps.

... Are you all right?

Fine. [He smiled, used to faking it.] Anyway, I'm here to make sure you're okay.

Ω 05

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